We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Pickled cat.
Love is in the air fryer.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
the short answer to this question
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?