You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.