You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours