doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I did not eat the cake…
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.