I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see