I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐