Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.