*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.