one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.