A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Heroic Misunderstanding
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day