*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”