Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang