Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Still laughing at this stupid meme
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I only eat vegetarians.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
What about second breakfast?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.