And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?