All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
You Might Also Like
Bond. Trauma bond.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.