“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Meow
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
He’s dead
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?