Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners