Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.