*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Owl Sanctuary
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]