I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.