All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You Might Also Like
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Where is your GOD now????
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.