Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
You Might Also Like
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
This guy gets it.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.