You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
This cat wants you to take your pills
👾👾👾
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this