There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
You Might Also Like
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.