i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.