Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
#Caturday
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?