Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.