“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
rise and shine we got egg
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.