“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!