Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.