interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I just ran a .003048K
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait