As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.