HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?