Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Just parrot things
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.