How about I get 100% off by already being there
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Anime is real
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Our lord and savoury.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.