What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware