10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
You Might Also Like
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car