So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.