Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I hope it’s French Onion!
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.