[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
inside you are two wolves
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted