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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age