Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.