My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.