Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.