Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.