I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”