College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works