BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
He’s cranky this morning
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot