My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“I’m helping” 😅
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.