Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.